The Dread of Joseph

They will come for you

When faced with your greatest fear, what would you do?

Before he entered into the darkness, he looked down the long hallway. He thought he was far enough ahead of it and them. He was, unfortunately, mistaken. He could still hear them in the distance. Coming closer as each moment passed.

Joseph could feel it creeping upon him. The feeling of utter helplessness that was churning in the pit of his stomach. He knew that it was inevitable. But still, his mind raced, grasping for any possible solution to save him from this fate.

As he ran down the long, dark hallway, his breath came in short gasps. He knew they weren't far behind him. They were always right behind him.

He tried the fourth door. Like the other three, this door was locked. Why? Why would they do that? He wanted to scream in frustration at this whole situation. That would only draw them closer.

He swallowed his anxiety and fear. Pushing them away. He could only do this for so long. Eventually, it would all come out, and he would open the door to the room. The room that held all of the fears. He had a feeling that this would be soon. Life as he knew it was a very scary place.

The run had taken him deep into the building. He had thought he was safe. Maybe this could be the one place where he wouldn’t be found.

The darkness was overwhelming in the long passageway. His terror-filled flight was exhausting. He paused as he opened the final door. Taking a breath to calm himself. It was pitch black in the room.

Before he entered into the darkness, he looked down the long hallway. He thought he was far enough ahead of it and them. He was, unfortunately, mistaken. He could hear them in the distance. Coming closer as each moment passed.

Mistakes and missteps… They were, unfortunately, the bane of his existence. The dread had come to face him. He now knew the cost of his mistake. It may be the thing that breaks him.

He wasn’t ready, not now. He didn’t know if he would ever be. Not for this. They asked too much of him. It was all part of “the training.” It was too much, what they asked of him. But it had been like this for weeks.

He had been warned. They told him it was coming. They said that he would have to face it; he’d had too many chances. Failure seemed to be the only thing they saw when they looked at him.

If he were being candid with himself, that was all he saw and felt when he looked in the mirror. Failure.

The hallway had little light to offer, but what it did have hit the mirrors, and Mirrors provided a brutally honest view of what he lacked. This also became a part of the dread that was slowly suffocating him.

Didn’t they see that? They seemed to see everything else he did or said. Did they, in all their wisdom, know how this would all go down? How this would make him feel. What it would do to him

He could hear the condemnation in their voices from his last performance just yesterday. It feels as if they don't see him as a person.

Unfortunately, it was foretold that today would be his doom. No more safety nets. No more encouragement except from a distance.

The tall man said that he was done babying him. That he couldn’t go crying to his mommy yet again.

The tall man, well, he was brutally honest. Joseph wanted his approval, although he didn’t understand why.

Fear was far easier an emotion to grasp. It always had been. Their disappointment in him felt like a dagger to the heart.

He had miscalculated the escape route in his desperation to escape from them, those who’d said over and over again that his safety was all they wished for. The two who are responsible for this whole thing. There was the tall man and her.

Until now, she had been his one true guardian. A guiding light in the darkest of times. Until it became apparent that the light had been extinguished, she was his guide no longer. She had always held his hand and guided him in life's most challenging tests.

It felt like he had known her from the first moment of his existence. He was alone now more than ever. All alone in a sea of mirrors and porcelain. Was he brave enough to face the monster? To pass the test. His past failures haunted him. He heard the words again that the tall man had repeated each day.

But now was not the time to think about that. But, he wondered if the tall man even had a heart. When he was feeling bitter, he wondered if the man possessed a soul. There seemed to be a darkness inside of that tall, tall man he would never understand.

He wondered again if he was brave enough. Could he do it?

He could feel the pressure inside him building. He knew what that pressure meant. He supposed that he would have to do what they wished. They were here too now. Coming up behind him when he was preoccupied with the dilemma.

He could feel the coldness of the room. There was never warmth here. Their presence added to the cold as they watched him. Watched. They were always watching. They figured out his failed escape route, and he was a fool. They knew this place much better than he did.

He heard a click, and the light was on. The shock of it made him cry out. This was so humiliating and degrading. He felt a lone tear roll down his face.

The glaring light bounced off the mirrors and the fixtures in the room. Torture devices, every one of them. They were all designed to taunt him. Even in his dreams they haunted him..

The tall man was there at the door. A grim look upon his weathered face. He heard the tall man sigh in what Joseph thought was frustration. It looked like the tall, tall man had fought many battles with this thing himself.

She stood there with an encouraging look on her face. How could she, knowing his experience with this monster and what it had done to him? She stood there with a sweet smile aimed at him, looking trustworthy.

Now he knew better. But he also knew the time had come. Yes, it was now. He had to face this. He looked at it. What manner of man or beast designed this contraption? They must be from the 9th level of hell. He did not want to know that man.

“Take a step, Joey boy.” He heard the words from a distance. There was a strange echo in this room. The words doubled over onto each other.

Then he heard, “You are just fine.” and “You can do this.” Joseph wished he could tell them all to leave and just go. But he couldn’t. He tried. He even opened his mouth.

The words came out garbled and unintelligible. He felt like crying. His fear and frustration were that bad. But he would not. He had to face this thing that haunted his dreams. The nightmares were horrific.

He looked at the contraption. The opening was huge, and he feared he would fall in. He took a deep breath, took a step, and then another. Two steps up, and then he would be there. He had to climb up the steps to reach the cold white beast. He would do it, but he wondered for the hundredth time if he would fall in, and if he did, would he drown?

Joseph looked down into the water. He knew that whatever went down into the water was gone. The time was now. He cursed them. Both of them. These people trained him to become what he is now. That is what they called this. Training.

He turned his head and looked at them. He, the tall man, looked happy. They looked back at him, and he saw his pride. That is a cardinal sin. It makes sense that one without a soul would express this so easily. She looked concerned. Did she finally see the terror that had lived in his soul since he had started this blasted training? Maybe there was some humanity left in her.

Joseph put his hands on it and realized that it was cold. A numbing cold seemed to race up his arms. Maybe this really would be the end. Then he heard her voice.

“It's alright, Joey, Mamma will help you.” The kindness in her voice felt like it would pierce his very soul. He could almost believe that she cared. If only her actions matched her words, or if he could believe what was written on her face, It looked like love.

But no. She deserted him, following the tall man into the room. His torture chamber. She knew the fear he felt. Even now, when he knew that he had to do it. Now was the time.

He had to go, embarrassed to his very core. Damn it, he couldn't hold back anymore. It was time.

It's time to go potty.

She stepped beside him, gently picking him up and removing the safety net he’d worn for as long as he could remember.

She gave him a squeeze and sat him on the special seat that they had gotten just for him. Cold porcelain and rigid plastic were what it felt like. Humiliation filled him as they watched him.

She gasped and smiled when she heard the noise that they had apparently been waiting for all this time.

She looked at the tall man, smiling brightly at him, saying, “See, he is just fine; he must have run away when he felt the urge to go. He will be two until the summer. You worry too much, tall man.”

She lifted one of her eyebrows at him and then turned to Joey. “Joey baby, mamma is so proud of you. As soon as you finish, we will clean up, wash our hands, and then get you a big boy treat.”

The treat sounded great to him. But he was cold and tired and just plain cranky. Too Much fear and adrenaline will do that to a person.

“Done, mamma, up peas.” Blast this malfunction. His lack of control while speaking was mortifying.

He looked at the ceiling and saw the shadows swirl and dance to their shadow music. He thought that they might be waving their insubstantial hands at him.

The tall man looked up and saw what Joseph had seen. Looking at Joseph and raising his left eyebrow at him. He then flicked his wrist, and a light turned on near the shadows.

The light hit the ceiling, and the shadows slithered into a corner. “See no more shadows, Joey boy.” the tall man smiled, and Joseph saw that his eyes crinkled at the corners.

He looked at her, winked, and said, “I better go get that treat ready for my Joey boy.” He winked at Joseph and then said, “Proud of you, Joey. You're getting to be a big boy.”

She smiled at the tall man and helped Joseph into his new big-boy pants. Then, Joseph used his special stool to reach the sink and wash his hands. He felt proud of himself, even if pride was a cardinal sin.

He was 2 years old.